Receive this package. Take it to your room. Close the door behind you. Open the package.
Place the enclosed Central Park Squirrel Census 2019 Audio Report (45-RPM) on the record player. Turn it on and place the needle down on the bold-yellow vinyl. Sit cross-legged on the shag. Open your copy of the enclosed 37-page "Squirrel Supplemental" from our Central Park Squirrel Census 2019 Report. Begin to read/listen.
Let your imagination take you to Central Park with the squirrels ...
You'll read all you need to know about the Park's denizen grays, with spacey aural accompaniment. Among other takeaways on your journey: considerations of squirrel coloration, squirrel interactions with humans in the park, the relationship between Central Park squirrels and nemeses-dogs, a detailed explanation of our squirrel-counting formula, proper squirrel-naming conventions, and seemingly abstract but highly accurate representations of squirrel densities (each density given a name that can be used for, say, a squirrel softball team in the Central Park Squirrel Softball League (CPSSL)). Additionally, we once and for all time provide the final answer to anyone — anyone! — who asks the question, "Why?"
Also, you'll be charmed (sonically) by readings of "Accidental Poems" found in the notes written by Squirrel Sighters during our Census.
Now. Ignore any knocks on the door.
Awkwardly flip the record whenever it runs out. Flip again. And again. This thing isn't timed to match your reading, man! This isn't Floyd/Oz! You're being asked to LISTEN and READ, simultaneously or not, without perfectly timed plot points! You are here, you are in your mind, you are with our voices and observations and, most of all, the squirrels. That's all. It's your journey.
Plus: Not-bad singing!